Auld Lang Syne (or days gone by...)

It's hard to believe that 2007 is coming to an end. As I look back at some of this blog, I realize what an incredible year that this has been for me. It's been a hard year, emotionally speaking, but one of many revelations and much growth. So many changes...

I think my son could say the same. He faces enormous challenges every day of his life just living. But I think he has more insight into his bipolar disorder than ever before. He lost a pretty good job this year. But he celebrated a year of marriage. He had a couple of pretty terrible patches. But he seems to be doing well on the medication changes that came from those breaks. He's found a support group. He's talking. One day at a time.

And me? I became an empty nester and have had the bittersweet experience of watching my daughter spread her wings. I opted to go out on my own again in my business - back to the labor of being self employed. I took my Family to Family training and taught my first class this fall - an amazing experience that was equally exhausting and rewarding. I keep plugging along with my support groups, keep plugging along at being married, keep plugging along at my unfulfilling work. Some days I feel that I have nothing left. Some days are good. Some days I need a Xanax to sleep.

This is life. My cup of kindness for those days gone by? I had all of my brood home for Christmas. We ate too much and watched silly movies and played games. It was a good day.

It is a good life.

Bah Humbug!

I don't know about you, but I loathe this time of year. Part of it is related to my job - my hours get brutal - and part of it is all the extra "work" that is expected of me, such as shopping, decorating, and wrapping presents. Don't even mention the office parties. Cuz even if I had the time, I wouldn't enjoy watching my coworkers get drunk. I know that this is supposed to be a happy time; I'm supposed to enjoy all of this. But although I love giving gifts to those I care about, I don't so much enjoy the rest of it. I find myself tired, cranky and down most of December. If this sounds like you - some strategies to avoid the worst of the December Dumps courtesy of Mark Sichel, LCSW:

1. Have an attitude of gratitude. Misery and gratitude cannot occupy the same space in our psychological house, and we have the power to choose between these emotional states.

2. One golden rule to getting along with family....be responsible for how you behave, You certainly have no control over how your relatives behave. The most important part of avoiding holiday stress with our families is for each of us to feel mastery over, & satisfaction with, our own behaviors, attitudes & feelings. If you know in your head and your heart that you've acted like the best parent, child, brother, sister, friend that you know how to be, you can walk away from any difficulty feeling good about yourself.

3. If you're feeling depressed and lonely, volunteer with any number of groups that help underprivileged or hospitalized children, the homeless, or the aged and disabled at the holidays. There are many, many opportunities for doing community service. No one can be depressed when they are doing community service.

4. Decide upon your priorities and stick to them. Organize your time. Be reasonable with your schedule. Do not overbook yourself into a state of exhaustion--this makes people cranky, irritable, and depressed.

5 Remember, no matter what your plans, the holidays do not automatically take away feelings of aloneness, sadness, frustration, anger, and fear.

6. Be careful about resentments related to holidays past. Declare an amnesty with whichever family member or friend you are feeling past resentments. Do not feel it is helpful or intimate to tell your relative every resentment on your long laundry list of grievances. Don't let your relative do that to you, either.

7. Don't expect the holidays to be just as they were when you were a child. They NEVER are. YOU are not the same as when you were a child, and no one else in the family is either. On the other hand, if your memories of childhood holidays are awful, be grateful that you now have the capacity and skills to make them wonderful for yourself and those you love.

8. Plan unstructured, low-cost fun holiday activities: window-shop and look at the Holiday decorations. Look at people's Christmas lighting on their homes, take a trip to the countryside, etc.--the opportunities are endless.

9. Do not let the holidays become a reason for over-indulging in food and drink and create unnecessary weight gain and hangovers for yourself. This will exacerbate your depression and anxiety. Contrary to popular opinion, alcohol is a depressant.

10. Give yourself a break; create time for yourself to do the things YOU love to do.

I'm going to try to remember this last one.

More On Vets

Call the national suicide hotline (1-800-784-2433) and the first question asked is "Are you a member of the armed forces?" Shocking? Hardly....

More here.

Veteran's Day

As Veteran's Day approaches I become pensive. I have friends who strive to take their husbands on mini vacations this weekend... anything to keep them away from home and all the patriotic crap on TV. For many men this is a hard day to look in the eye. Bad memories. Worse dreams. We may put this day aside to honor the dead, but it often only opens the wounds of the living.

Consider:

• Almost 1 in 3 veterans returning from Afghanistan and Iraq confront mental health problems.
• In 2006, the suicide rate in the Army reached its highest level in 26 years.
• Approximately 30% of veterans treated in the Veterans health system suffer from depressive symptoms, two to three times the rate of the general population.
• More Vietnam veterans have now died from suicide than were killed directly during the war in the 1960s and 70s.
• Approximately 40% of homeless veterans have mental illnesses. Approximately 57% of this group are African American or Hispanic veterans.

Perhaps along with honoring those slain in war, we should consider taking better care of those who survive it. If you know a veteran who is suffering, please visit the NAMI Veteran's Resource Center for up to date information, online discussion groups and links to agencies and organizations that can help. Or make a donation and add your vet's name to the NAMI Veteran's Tribute Honor Roll. It's time we supported our troops in a way that leads to healing and a return to a full and productive life.

chaos (again)

I can't believe that it's been nearly a month since I've posted, but on the other hand, time tends to morph interestingly when in the midst of chaos. As is incredibly par for the course of life with a bi-polar loved one - things took a turn last month. Here I am, teaching a Family to Family course for people in my very situation. Didn't expect to be Exhibit A in the course, but I suppose everything happens for a reason.

My son has gotten very, very good at hiding his disease. Sometimes I think he even fools himself. But with 20-20 hindsight, it all stands out in stark relief. In the back of my mind I think I knew that something was brewing... but I always hope that I'm just being overprotective or paranoid. To make a long story short - the stressful job that he had been doing so well at (!) took it's toll and he quit impulsively. Then - in a perfectly natural (if unfortunate) fit of terror, he lied to his wife about it and told her he was fired. When she found out she naturally booted him out (for lying) and he ended up on my couch.

The stresses of everyday living that even I take so for granted, are often far too much for someone with a mood disorder to deal with. He put on a brave, if utterly false, face - afraid to disappoint his beloved, wanting her to be proud of what he could do and letting himself wear thinner and thinner until he felt there would be nothing left if he stayed. Quitting was a maladjusted protection... giving him short term relief and causing long term consequences. Their finances are tentative and now he is unemployed and fragile. Had he come clean with the pain he was in earlier, maybe this could have been avoided. Now we all face damage control.

We all struggle to keep mental illness from being the center of our lives. Often it usurps center stage despite all our efforts. Recovery is a long and arduous road. I watch my son in his pain and I mourn again. I watch his love in hers. I watch them struggle to find answers, to find comfort. She found a blog of a married couple living with this honesty issue and read about their attempts to build a working relationship. They have a 48 hour 'safe zone' - if he comes clean to her after an initial reflexive lie within 48 hours she is only allowed to thank him for his courage. No repercussions. This is something to try.

The poet Roethke, who suffered from mental illness gives words to the concept of recovery in his poem Cuttings
"...one nub of growth
Nudges a sand-crumb loose,
Pokes through a musty sheath
Its pale tendrilous horn.
Cuttings (later)
This urge, wrestle, resurrection of dry sticks,
Cut stems struggling to put down feet,
What saint strained so much,
Rose on such lopped limbs to a new life?

What saint indeed.

A glimpse into a bipolar mind

Sometimes words fail me. Listen to someone who's there. Bipolar Awareness Day is Oct. 11th. Find out more about the facets of Bipolar illness here.

Mental Health Awareness Week

October 7-13, 2007 is national Mental Illness Awareness Week (MIAW). Sponsored by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), MIAW was established in 1990 by Congress in recognition of NAMI’s efforts to educate the public about mental illnesses, which occupy more hospital beds in the US than cancer and heart disease combined. Mental illnesses are medical conditions that disrupt a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others, and daily functioning. The good news about mental illness is that recovery is possible, if people have access to the treatment and services they need.

The fifth annual Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day is on Thursday, October 11, 2007. People diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which affects an estimated 10 million Americans, experience alternating episodes of mania (severe highs), depression (severe lows) and mixed states which contain elements of both. Unfortunately, seven out of ten people with bipolar disorder receive at least one misdiagnosis, and many wait years for an accurate diagnosis. It is estimated that 80 percent to 90 percent of people with bipolar disorder can be treated effectively with medication and psychotherapy.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness is the nation's largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to improving the lives of individuals and families affected by mental illness. NAMI has more than 1,100 affiliates in communities across the country who engage in advocacy, research, support and education. NAMI -Skagit joins other affiliates nationwide this week in raising awareness about mental illness.

Depression

Researchers have concluded that depression is more damaging to everyday health than chronic diseases such as angina, arthritis, asthma and diabetes, and if people are ill with other conditions, depression makes them worse.

Somnath Chatterji of the World Health Organisation, who led the study, said researchers calculated the impact of different conditions by asking people questions about their capacities to function in everyday situations -- such as moving around, seeing things at a distance and remembering information. "Our main findings show that depression impairs health state to a substantially greater degree than the other diseases," the researchers wrote.

The team used World Health Organisation data collected from 60 countries and more than 240,000 people to show on average between 9 percent and 23 percent had depression in addition to one or more of four other chronic diseases -- asthma, angina, arthritis and diabetes.
The most disabling combination was diabetes and depression, the researchers said. "If you live for one year with diabetes and depression together you are living the equivalent of 60 percent of full health," Chatterji said in a telephone interview.

The findings show the need to provide better treatment for depression because it has such a big impact on people with chronic illnesses, Chatterji added. "What tends to happen is a health provider doesn't look for anything else but the chronic illness," he said. "What we are saying is, these people will also be depressed and if you don't manage the depression you can't improve a person's health because depression is actually worsening it."

Content provided by Reuters

Mental Health Myths

For some of the more than 54 million Americans who suffer a mental illness in any given year, the stigma of their condition may prevent them from seeking treatment, U.S. experts say.

A team at the Menninger Clinic in Houston reviewed the top five myths about mental illness:

• Myth #1. People with mental illness are weak. In fact, many famous and powerful people have struggled with depression and other forms of mental illness. Making the decision to seek help for mental illness, and participating in treatment, takes strength in itself.
• Myth #2. Medications cure mental illness. While medicines can help manage symptoms, they're only part of the treatment process, which also includes therapy to help patients better understand the factors that contribute to their mental illness.
• Myth #3. People with mental illness could "snap out of it" if they really wanted to. That's no different than telling someone with the flu, diabetes, hypertension or other physical illness or problem to "snap out of it."
• Myth #4. Children don't have mental illness. In fact, 10 percent of children and adolescents in the United States suffer from serious emotional and mental disorders that have a major impact on their day-to-day lives, according to a 1999 U.S. Surgeon General report.
• Myth #5. People with mental illness don't get well. The truth is that a combination of medication and psychological treatments and support reduces symptoms and improves quality of life in between 70 percent and 90 percent of people with mental illness, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

See the Surgeon General's overview on mental illness here. Thanks to Revolution Health for this post.

New Beginnings

Next week I will be co-leading my very first Family to Family Education Program. Although I'll admit to some nerves, mostly about the details, I'm very excited to finally be able to share this amazing program. My husband and I were introduced to F2F the way most folks are - the hard way. My son had just attempted suicide and my sweet husband (we had married only 4 months before this and he is childless,) suddenly had a 21 year old living on his couch. This lump on the couch found it difficult to manage a daily shower and spent most of his time playing computer games or sleeping. I was a wreck with worry. Things were, to put it mildly, strained.

A dear friend of mine told me about this 12 week program that she had heard about and gave me a phone number. The class was starting that very week and we barely squeaked in. We began an odyssey of learning - about brain function, diagnosis, medication - so much information that I could hardly take it all in. As the class progressed we moved into other, scarier, territory. Feelings. Communication workshops. Problem solving. Grief. We moved through a process of self examination and self care. It wasn't just about understanding my son and his illness. It was about understanding our reaction to it and finding some peace with that knowledge.

Two years later I can see all that we got out of that 12 week commitment. My husband found some understanding of the boy on the couch - they have a solid relationship to this day. I formed a profound respect for my son and his courage, and he and I were able to heal many of our old hurts. We can talk more now. He is on a road of dramatic recovery, and although his disease will always be with him, we hope for the best life that he can have. Our family works together toward that end. Family to Family was the beginning. As I share all this with the families in this new class, I know they will find that beginning as well.

Perfect

Are you a perfectionist? Some folks will tell you that they are with a certain note of pride. Perfection is seen as desirable, the sign of a winner, or a goal to be attained. Our culture views the perfectionist as someone who has ample ability, who strives to be successful, who can get the job done. But there is a great difference between those who have high standards and a healthy desire to be successful and the perfectionist. Do you have drive or are you driven?

Perfectionists subscribe to "all or nothing" thinking - seeing every experience as good or bad depending solely on the outcome. This leads to lots of anxiety - you can imagine the pressure when every task is seen as a potential disaster. Perfectionists are motivated more by a fear of failure than a desire for success, and that fear of failure can be crippling; the attitude of 'flawless or not at all' leads to procrastination at best or complete abdication at worst. All of this self inflicted stress inevitably results in depression, performance anxiety, and low self esteem. It takes a terrible toll on a persons physical and mental health.

Perfectionists have unrealistic expectations, not only about their own capacities, but also about what is reasonable behavior in others. This puts tremendous strain on their relationships. Because of these expectations, perfectionists often contribute to the demise of relationships by unending criticism and blame. What spouse could live up to their standards? And the children of perfectionists are terribly vulnerable to these unrealistic expectations. Dr. Edmund J. Bourne, wrote about the childhood origins of anxiety disorders in his book, The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. He felt that children who grow up with parents who are perfectionists are likely to experience self-doubt and low self-esteem. They are also likely to grow up to be perfectionists themselves.

Are you a perfectionist? Unfortunately, I am. Learn more about coping strategies here.

Sing - sing a Song

One of the major symptoms of panic is short, shallow breathing. As our fear ratchets up, labored breathing, a sense of being unable to catch one's breath, chest tightness or pain and tingling in the hands and feet are often the result of this hyperventilation. Dr. David Carbonell recommends singing aloud as a simple method of preventing and interrupting panic attacks.

Singing forces you to breathe more slowly and deeply, relaxing your chest muscles and maintaining the balance between the oxygen you inhale and the carbon dioxide you exhale. Although not a remedy for panic disorder, it can be an effective way to stave it off - while driving for example. Combined with other techniques, like diaphragmatic breathing, it's an additional coping technique to add to your arsenal.

As to what you should sing, Carbonell considers humor to be the best response - an amusing song will probably be more distracting than a serious one. (Try this to the tune of Camptown Races - "I'll go crazy, then I'll die.... doodah! doodah!") Any song that lifts your spirits - a hymn, children's song, the national anthem, even a jingle - will do the trick. (Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun....!) Try it!

Self Medicating

Let's talk about the very human tendency to avoid discomfort. I don't know anyone personally, although I'm sure that saints exist, who hasn't had a glass of wine or a cocktail medicinally. By medicinally, I mean for the primary purpose of the depressant effect of alcohol - in other words, to relax or calm down. Nicotine - the primary drug in cigarette smoke - can increase concentration, decrease tension, and actually causes an increase in the amount of dopamine in the brain, acting as an antidepressant. Marijuana and prescription pain medications induce relaxation and euphoria, a terrific sensation of well being. These outcomes are all very desirable.

Unfortunately, these temporary outcomes all come at a terrible long-term cost. Of the estimated 14 million plus adults that suffer from serious brain disorders in the US, at least 3 million have been treated for substance abuse. About 20% of Americans smoke, but it's believed that nearly 90% of people with schizophrenia are smokers. In a culture that encourages us to "take a pill" for nearly everything, we must consider that these substances affect our most vulnerable area - brain chemistry. Just as our prescription medication for depression, our antipsychotics and such, don't always work as well for us as they do the next guy- so drugs, cigarettes and alcohol can have unpredictable effects as well.

Substance abuse often masks the symptoms of mental illness, even as it erodes the physical health of the abuser. Many drugs used for brain disorders are toxic to the liver and can't be used after years of alcohol abuse. Studies have shown that marijuana use can dramatically increase the onset of psychosis. And don't even get me started on the cancer and other lovely perks of cigarettes. As if treatment for co-occurring disorders wasn't complicated enough, it often involves yet another territorial wing of the health care system. So it won't be funded through your provider, or your SA provider won't cooperate with your mental health provider, and the list goes on. Do we really need more complications in our lives?

I know, I know. One more thing that we - consumers (hate that word!) can't do. Everyone else can have that drink, or take a toke, or have a smoke with minimal damage - maybe. But we need to try to just say "no." More info on co-occurring disorders here.

How much is enough?

Caregiver or enabler? That is the question. And we ask it over and over again. How much is enough? You know that this person that you love is sick, but... how do we live with the behavior? She sleeps all day and doesn't even bother to shower. He stays up all night pacing, or playing that video game and has just run up another grand on the credit card you didn't know he applied for. And that's the easy stuff. What about the screaming in the driveway at 2 in the morning or the threat to kill himself? Or kill you? Where do you draw the line with someone you love?

Dr. Peter H. Gott defines the two terms as follows:

Caregiver - takes care of another person in need.

Enabler - someone who excuses, denies and accepts someone else's inappropriate behavior. This attitude prevents the person from facing up to his or her problems, dealing with it, getting help and making appropriate lifestyle changes.

Mental illness is not an excuse for violence. A loved one with a mental illness does not mean we must accept a life of chaos. When dealing with someone who can, by the nature of their illness, be irrational, get help. Make a plan that includes other family members, mental health professionals and if necessary, public authorities. There are usually warning signs of impending crisis. Don’t face it alone.

Taking action to protect OURSELVES is absolutely necessary. Just as we don’t want mental illness to rob our loved one of his or her life, we also can’t let their illness threaten our lives and well being. If your health deteriorates due to stress, lack of sleep or simply living in a war zone; if you collapse, who's going to take care of anyone? The person that you love is not served by your sacrifice. It will only cause them more pain. So do the right thing. Be a caregiver and start with yourself.

See more strategies for caregivers here.

Reversal

I'll confess that I've been in one of those black moods this week... you know the kind - absolute darkness that no amount of sunshine or chocolate or even good wine seems to budge. I'm not necessarily a sunny person on a good day, but this was bleak enough to make me wonder if I need some chemical help again. To top it off, or maybe because of this, I managed to break my little toe quite spectacularly. Pain and depression. Add the frustration of my summer schedule and you have a trifecta of misery.

While mulling all this over, I keep tripping over my negativity. How exactly are we supposed to be positive when the brain is busy following those well worn neural pathways of gloom - stewing in it's own soup of neurotransmitters, most of which are obviously out of whack this week? All these folks with their Secrets (you know that your thoughts are creating your life, so just change those silly thoughts!) are forgetting that many of us aren't on a level playing field when it comes to brain chemistry.

I want it to be that easy. I know my brain chemistry is part of the problem and I want someone to fix that. What I don't want is to take some pill that's going to do a lot of other things to me as well... things I don't need done.... like mess with my appetite or destroy my libido. I wish that I could go to my doctor and he could say something like "oh, your serotonin is off by 5% and dopamine needs a 10% boost... here take this." I wish they could fix my personal chemistry - make my own cocktail of chemical happiness boosters and chemical anti-cranky stuff until my brain was just a regular brain. You know what I mean. A cure.

Not yet. But I happened upon a post today - an amazing post. Seems some scientists reversed the symptoms of retardation and autism in mice. Didn't treat it. FIXED IT. They did it by inhibiting a certain enzyme, and they found that "not only were structural abnormalities in connections between brain cells righted, proper electrical communication was restored between the cells."

They cured them. Onward and upward, science, onward and upward!

Read about it here.

An Open Letter to John and Tom

Dear Guys,

I'm so disappointed. I really love your movies. You both seem like such regular fellows - talented and good looking, with nice families. But then you do these interviews and talk about things that you know nothing about. When you say these things - that psychiatry doesn't help anyone and that psychotropic drugs are responsible for school shootings - from what experience are you speaking?

You see I have experience with these things. I remember holding my beautiful new baby daughter and carefully planning my walk to the next room, where the gun was, and what I would do next. I was out of my mind, of course, struggling with a hormone imbalance of biblical proportions. Tom, how can you say this was not real? I'm here to tell you that vitamins would not have helped. I've watched my son struggle without Depakote and I've watched him on it, and let me tell you that he NEEDS that drug like he needs oxygen. So John, you want to blame school shootings on this kind of drug?

I think it's easy to say what other people should do hypothetically. I've heard you say that these are your opinions and that you are entitled to them. Maybe so. But when people of your position speak, other people listen. It's the responsibility of fame. So when some ill informed mother denies her 16 year old the antidepressant that his doctor recommends because she read your interview in W magazine, and that 16 year old takes his life, will you give her comfort?

It must be nice to be healthy. It must be nice to feel right. But you don't have a clue. And knowing that you are comfortable making judgments about things that you know nothing about, makes me very uncomfortable about you. I think I'll skip your next movie, boys.
Sincerely, Trish

Read about Travolta's opinions, as thousands of others have, here.

Father's Day

This is a hard to say. My sons father is a good man. Parenting has never been easy for him - but that doesn't make him a bad parent. He tries. He has always done the right thing - paid his child support, paid his share for the braces. He does not forget birthdays. He never missed important band concerts, or little league games, or graduations. But...

I think it is extraordinarily difficult for a man to admit that there may be something wrong with his child. Perhaps it is cultural. Perhaps a man thinks of his child as an extension of himself and any perceived flaw in the child is somehow transmuted into a greater flaw in the man. If the flaw is a birthmark, or bad teeth, or short stature, well, that's bad enough. But mental illness? How does that reflect on the father? In a culture that views brain disorder as a flaw of character or a lack of will or discipline, how unthinkable is that?

My sons father has chosen the option of denial. It is easier for him to see his son as lazy or irresponsible or even incompetent than it is for him to admit that he has a mental illness. It is preferable to think that he may "snap out of it" or "finally grow up" rather than admit that he will always live with a debilitating disease. Although I can understand this way of thinking, I also see the devastating effect that this has had on my son and their relationship. Neither will ever meet the others expectations. It is a tragedy twofold.

I hope that my sons father will eventually move on to acceptance. As an ex-wife and a mother there is little I can do to intervene. They sometimes find some peace together when they go camping, escaping the everyday traumas - as if a mutual love of the natural world can bind some of their wounds. My son loves his father and expects little of him. He loves his son and expects the unattainable. I bleed for them both.

Read Families on the Brink: The Impact of Ignoring Children with Serious Mental Illness here.

F 2 F

I have just returned from one of the most profound experiences of my life. I spent three incredible days at the Tierra Learning Center outside of Leavenworth, WA, attending a teacher training for the NAMI Family to Family program. I can't believe that it has been nearly two years since I attended F 2 F with my husband, still reeling from my son's suicide attempt. That twelve weeks was life altering, as we met other family members living with mental illness and began the healing process - learning about these devastating brain disorders, medications, social services, etc. but even more - learning to communicate and deal with the aftermath of crisis.

I spent the weekend with people who have been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt. Their stories of pain and unbearable struggle were stories of survivors and that is the point. Family to Family is taught by the people who do indeed know what it's like to love and live with a relative who is profoundly ill. Through shared experience we can connect with people and help them come to terms with their lives as caregivers and help them have a deeper understanding of the debilitating effects that these diseases have on their loved ones. If taking F 2 F is an act of healing, then teaching it is an act of love.

I am deeply humbled by the experience. I am also excited that soon I will share this process of transformation with families in my own classes. I am filled with gratitude for Ron and Bruce, Judie and Nancy for sharing their knowledge and their time. I also want to thank every single one of the amazing women that shared the class with me - for their empathy and courage.

Learn more about Family to Family here.

See the beautiful Tierra Learning Center here.

Graduation

I attended my daughter's graduation today from our local community college. Although she seems a little jaded that this isn't a real (as in 4 year) degree, it was hard not to see what a tremendous accomplishment that this was for many of the students. At the very least, even for my overachiever, this is one of those passages in life that marks an expected change. The next step, if you will.

There are many people who don't find life a simple progression from point A to point B. While most of their contemporaries seem to be on cruise control down a smooth thoroughfare, for these individuals life seems like a series of missteps, wrong turns and disappointments. My father was quite the artist, and in one of his sketches he portrays himself walking sadly down a rocky road, personal rain cloud over his head, black cat crossing his path. I'm sure it seemed to him that every choice was the wrong one - that he was cursed, or jinxed or just unlucky. I suppose it's easy for me to say that he was simply depressed, some chemicals out of whack in his brain, probably a genetic condition. I'm sure that this was so, but it didn't make it any easier on him. In the end, you could say, he gave up.

I've watched my son struggle with these same demons. Never feeling good enough. Or never catching a break. I've watched his mood swings and his pain and I've lived in fear that maybe he would never be happy or even safe. We both laugh a little nervously, and make light of it, but we both always assume it's going to be the hard way. Hard on the people that love him. Much harder on him. Knowing that it's genetic - a brain disorder - a condition beyond his control - may help it to make some sense, but it doesn't change the feelings. Driving for long stretches without a cruise control is exhausting. Sometimes easy would be nice. But from this, there is no simple progression, no obvious next step. So we hope.

See ideas for coping with depression here.

The "S" Word

We had a successful suicide in our little town this week. He was 16 - a sophomore in high school. I've always been puzzled by the language - that a "failed" suicide attempt means that you get to stay alive. If this young man felt like a failure in his life, if he felt that he couldn't be successful at anything - he managed to succeed at this. And now he's gone.

My father successfully committed suicide when he was 25. In my adult examination of this, I have come to understand that it takes a powerful stimulus to override our basic survival instincts. That someone in this type of deep despair is not really trying to end their connections to their loved ones or even really to end their life - they are trying to end their pain. It is understandable that a person could be in such personal agony that any out seems reasonable - if pain, emotional or physical, was such a treat then every pharmaceutical company on earth would be bankrupt. We usually avoid pain at all costs; no one willing submits to drowning in it. I guess that explains why suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the US.

There are ALWAYS options. A patient with cancer will take drugs to ease their suffering. There are drugs to ease emotional suffering. A person with bone or muscle pain will use physical therapy, massage, and exercise to manage their problem. There are cognitive therapies, meditation, counseling and support groups to manage emotional pain. It's not always easy to see that daylight is around the corner during the darkest night of the soul. Holding someones hand until morning is always an option.

See suicide from a survivor's perspective here.

Read more about teen suicide here.

Moving Forward

Moving forward toward recovery is always our primary goal. Today we are not in crisis. Often that means a sort of vacuum. "Not in crisis" is a nowhere place, often a sort of shelf over the abyss. To get from "not in crisis" to recovery, we have to move, and movement is - well - scary. Maybe we should stay right here. Not in crisis.

I think that the trick to moving out of crisis is to make a wheel. Okay, appreciate the metaphor, movement=wheel. Now you are the hub of the wheel. Just you - Not in Crisis. To make a nice round wheel we need to have some spokes. First spoke for most of us - a mental health care professional. This can be your therapist or psychiatrist or even your MD, but you need one that you trust and you need one who can provide you with spoke #2 -medication. I mean the right medication or combo platter to help you maintain some balance in the ol' brain chemistry.

Great start! But two spokes do not a wheel make. Let's add another - family. No one on this earth can support you more than those that love you. They may need education to understand what's going on with you, but they can be your safety zone. Three spokes is still kind of flimsy so how about friends? Then think about a personal counselor, a support group, or an online community. Starting to get the picture? The more spokes you have in that wheel the stronger it's going to feel. And movement is just bound to happen.

Find more about NAMI support groups here.

Mother's Day

I probably think of myself as a mother first and foremost. It's so terribly cliche. I know that as an empowered, independent woman I have many roles, but this is the one that defines me. I was a daughter before I was a mother, I am a wife, I have been a student, and a business owner and a citizen. All the details of pregnancy, labor and delivery aside - from the moment that another person emerged from my body, I knew that nothing else would ever matter more than that. I love my children fiercely and completely. I feel their pain and their joy as if it were my own. I would do anything to protect them including, but not limited to, standing in front of on oncoming train. This is the joy and the terror that is motherhood.

When a child becomes ill, it fills a mother's heart with horror. Somehow she has failed to protect her child. She watches the child's distress with her own special agony - laced with guilt and fear. She does everything in her power to make her child well - no doctor too distant, no treatment too extreme - she would put her own blood in the child if it was necessary - her kidney, her heart. She will not rest until her child is safe and sound. But if her child suffers from mental illness, she cannot make it better. She finds herself helpless. She wonders if somehow she caused this. She failed to protect her child.

To all the mothers who may read this, take heart. You did not CAUSE this. You cannot CURE this. You have no CONTROL over this. But you will COPE. Because in the end, all we can really do for them is love them. We do that naturally and automatically. That is the joy and the terror that is motherhood.

Find a guidebook for parents with children with brain disorders here.

Remembrance

Everyone wants to be remembered. Everyone - no matter how meek or grandiose - everyone wants a legacy. Cho Seung Hui has a legacy now. He found a terrible way to be noticed. He - like so many young men before him - chose to end his life in an explosion of violence. And like so many young men before him, his explosion violently ended the lives of others. The tragic death of 33 people is, of course, not the end of the death toll at Virginia Tech. Parents, partners, and friends will die many more little deaths as this explosion of violence continues to expand - a mirror of the pain and despair of one man who wanted very much to be noticed.

We, the survivors, want very much to make sense of this. The simplest answer, the one we will reach for first because it seems so obvious, is that Cho Seung Hui was out of his mind. Crazy. A nutcase who went berserk. You will already note how the media paint him as suspicious. Now that the deed is done, many will come forward to say he was odd, he seemed twisted, they always suspected that he was nuts. More than likely this is hindsight. More than likely he was rarely noticed at all - a kid referred to as "question mark," a nuisance possibly. No one really believed he was dangerous.

The chances are very good that Cho Seung Hui did not suffer from a brain disorder. He was probably not schizophrenic, and although he was probably depressed, he was probably not a clinical depressive or bipolar. Statistically, people with mental illness are no more likely to be violent than anyone else. Unfortunately, this fact makes us, the survivors, very uncomfortable. It is much easier to dismiss this man as a lunatic, than to consider what drives a sane person to such evil. It is much easier to think him crazy, than to think that another quiet, normal kid might suddenly decide that he needs a legacy, too.

Read more on mental illness and violence here.

Special

It occurs to me that we have that tendency to concentrate on the negative effects of brain disorders and how much they disrupt out daily lives. Let us take a moment to think in another direction. My son is the person that he is, because he has bipolar disorder. He is creative, imaginative, and brilliant in ways that he doesn't always understand, because his brain doesn't work the way that mine does. In many ways, his disease is also his gift. Imagine a world without Walt Whitman or Abraham Lincoln - Amadeus Mozart or Vincent van Gogh.

As I meet people with mental illness, I find I'm drawn to them. They are such gems! It's true the diamond is often in the rough - many of these people have deep emotional scars and so much pain. But beneath their confusion and frustration these are special people with much to offer. Through no fault of their own, they are different. In our world, those that are different have much to strive against - stigma, an inability to blend in, isolation. It doesn't make for a simple life. But Buzz Aldrin was different and it got him to the moon. Viva la difference!

See a list of famous individuals with bipolar disorder here.

Support our Troops

I just read a pretty horrifying article in a magazine about a number of soldiers wounded in Iraq that came home to find themselves with a diagnosis of "personality disorder" and no disability benefits. According to the Army "personality disorder" is a pre-existing condition. I guess from the standpoint of a VA facing a backlog of 600,000 disability claims and a budget that has no way to meet these needs, "personality disorder" sounds pretty good. At least one in four vets returning from Iraq and Afghanistan will suffer from severe mental injury, including post traumatic stress syndrome, to say nothing of physical wounds.

I imagine that the least of these mental injuries will be depression and, what the VA euphemistically refers to as "readjustment disorders." Men are often unaware or unwilling to admit that the symptoms they are exhibiting are those of depression. Instead of seeking medical help they often seek relief with drugs or alcohol.

“I’d drink and I’d just get numb. I’d get numb to try to numb my head. I mean, we’re talking many, many beers to get to that state where you could shut your head off, but then you wake up the next day and it’s still there. Because you have to deal with it, it doesn’t just go away. It isn’t a two hour movie and then at the end it goes ‘The End’ and you press off. I mean it’s a twenty four hour a day movie and you’re thinking there is no end. It’s horrible.”

-Patrick McCathern, First Sergeant, U.S. Air Force, Retired

I hope that "supporting our troops" means more than yellow ribbons...

Read more about men and depression here.

Read the article about vets and "personality disorder" here.

Killing the ANTS

At support meeting this week we had quite a discussion about killing the ANTS. I'm talking about Automatic Negative Thoughts. It's amazing how many times our minds will take us to our least happy places - how the traffic is constantly terrible, our boss is completely unfair, we will always be unorganized, unhappy, underpaid, unappreciated. Every ANT in my mind represents a well- worn neural pathway, an expressway of nerves that automatically trigger when my life situation is stressful. Giving constant attention to these negative thoughts is the definition of depression.

It takes real effort to kill the ANTS. I must create a new neural pathway and then correct my thinking in that direction regularly until that becomes the new habit. My friends at Support had many suggestions that work for them - breaking stressful tasks into small manageable bites, giving yourself rewards for small successes, keeping a gratitude journal. I found this last one most intriguing, as it's almost impossible to be grateful and negative at the same time. I will try to remember all the things that are going right - the beating of my heart, the wonder of the sunset, chocolate! They always outnumber the ANTS.

More on depression and positive thinking here.

Challenges

After a long spell of stability, my dearest boy had a crash this weekend. My son is bipolar. A downturn is an inevitability. This is a fact of life when living with mental illness. It's a fact of life that millions of people live with every day - every day waiting for the shoe to drop. He's been stable for nearly 18 months - long enough to forget how bad it could be, I think, for him. He got a little complacent. He missed some medication. He was drinking too much. But he didn't see it coming.

I am always a little fearful that his next phone call will be a bad one (jail, hospital, loss of job,etc.) but now he has a new, sweet wife. How she will deal with this spell, or the next one, or the one after that remains to be seen. Not too long ago I told her how much I admired her courage - after all, I said, I didn't have a choice. He's my son. She told me that she didn't have a choice either, that you never choose the one that you fall in love with. The odds are very much against them. But they are so in love. Maybe love can conquer all. I will hope.

More on marriage and mental illness here.

Beginnings

I've never had any desire to start a blog. My husband blogs. My kids blog. But it didn't hold any interest for me... mainly because I could never think of anything interesting enough to go on about, and on about, and on about. I think I lead an ordinary life.

However, I have a reason to begin this blog. You see, my life has been touched by mental illness. My father committed suicide at the age of 25. My mother suffers from depression. I have an uncle with serious bipolar disorder. But most importantly, from my point of view, my son attempted suicide a little over a year ago. I knew then, as I know now, that my life would never be the same.

Let me say again that I lead an ordinary life. Many people, in point of fact, all people live with the shadow of brain disorders. A child, a partner, a parent, a co-worker - everyone knows someone who suffers from depression, bipolar disorder, OCD or schizophrenia. You may not know it, but you touch people every single day who have these disorders, just as you touch people who have diabetes, heart disease and cancer. You may not know it, but mental illness is a part of your life as well.

And so I will blog. If it means I can share some understanding, share some knowledge or some insight or just my own experience, I will blog. For all these extraordinary, ordinary people.