I Grieve

My heart aches tonight. It is a familiar ache. Some days I almost forget. There are times when life seems so benign, so calm, so normal that I don't believe that he is ill. For awhile I have another life - a simple life - uncomplicated by the doubt and the grief I feel today. Some days I'm just an empty nester - my kids are fine; out living their lives - some days I think about growing older; about things I'd like to do while I have the time. Then the phone will ring.

I can almost begin to trust the ring of a phone after a time. I can get to the point where it doesn't make my breath catch. But I know in the back of my mind that a panicky phone call or a series of alarming text messages are always on the horizon. When they come it is almost a relief - like something I've been waiting for. Another crisis. Another crash. My son is sick, so sick, again. I grieve. Again.

He made me listen to this song, once. We sat and cried. I know that for all the pain I feel for him, his pain is worse. I would take the heart from my body if it could give him a normal life. I would give anything, anything I could give, to spare him this.

"Hate Me by Blue October"

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye.)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so f***ing far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling 'Make it go away!'
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered 'How can you do this to me?'

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

All I can do is love him.