I Grieve

My heart aches tonight. It is a familiar ache. Some days I almost forget. There are times when life seems so benign, so calm, so normal that I don't believe that he is ill. For awhile I have another life - a simple life - uncomplicated by the doubt and the grief I feel today. Some days I'm just an empty nester - my kids are fine; out living their lives - some days I think about growing older; about things I'd like to do while I have the time. Then the phone will ring.

I can almost begin to trust the ring of a phone after a time. I can get to the point where it doesn't make my breath catch. But I know in the back of my mind that a panicky phone call or a series of alarming text messages are always on the horizon. When they come it is almost a relief - like something I've been waiting for. Another crisis. Another crash. My son is sick, so sick, again. I grieve. Again.

He made me listen to this song, once. We sat and cried. I know that for all the pain I feel for him, his pain is worse. I would take the heart from my body if it could give him a normal life. I would give anything, anything I could give, to spare him this.

"Hate Me by Blue October"

(If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.)

(Hi Justin, this is your mother, and it's 2:33 on Monday afternoon.
I was just calling to see how you ware doing.
You sounded really uptight last night.
It made me a little nervous, and a l... and... well... it made me nervous, it sounded like you were nervous, too.
I just wanted to make sure you were really OK,
And wanted to see if you were checking in on your medication.
You know I love you, and...
Take care honey
I know you're under a lot of pressure.
See ya. Bye bye.)

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so f***ing far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling 'Make it go away!'
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered 'How can you do this to me?'

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
For you
For you
For you

[Children voices:]
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me

All I can do is love him.

Healthy Ideas to Manage Life's Pressures Part 2

Let's return to Mental Health America and their list of ways to cope with day to day stress. Remember - stress affects us all, but when living with a brain disorder it can be dramatically devastating to overall health and well being. Any and all strategies to reduce the effects of stress should be incorporated into a health plan. So with no further ado let's see if we can find a method that we haven't tried...

• Get Enough Rest. Getting enough sleep helps you recover from the stresses of the day. Try to get seven to nine hours of sleep every night. Visit the Sleep Foundation for tips on getting a better night’s sleep.

• Help Others. Helping others builds social networks, improves self-esteem and can give you a sense of purpose and achievement.

• Know your limits. Let others know them, too. If you’re overwhelmed at home or work, or with friends, learn how to say “no.” It may feel uncomfortable at first, so practice saying “no” with the people you trust most.

• Keep a journal. Writing down your thoughts can be a great way to work through issues. Some researchers have reported that writing about painful events can reduce stress and improve health. You can also track your sleep to help you identify any triggers that make you feel more anxious.

Revisit the beginning of this list, watch for the last items on the list in a future post and be sure to visit Mental Health America. Have a peaceful day!

A Stroke of Insight

The Trevor Project

Excerpt:
The transgendered woman on the other end of the line was threatening to kill herself by jumping off of a parking structure. The Trevor Helpline counselor who answered the phone worked to get the 24-year-old calm and immediately called police for help.

Exactly one month later, that same woman called the helpline back -- to thank them for saving her life.

Stories like these are the reason The Trevor Project operates its helpline, the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention number for gay and questioning youth. More than 500 volunteers are trained for 40 hours to run the bicoastal call centers.

"There's a high level of stress that youth face in the transition from youth to adulthood," Charles Robbins, executive director of The Trevor Project, said. "Add on top of that the challenges of sexual orientation or gender identity and we get 15,000 calls a year."

A 2005 Massachusetts Department of Education survey of 3,500 high school students, in partnership with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, found almost 11 percent have seriously considered suicide. And that percentage is almost four times as high for 10 to 24-year-olds who identify themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

"Because of the unfortunate stigma that still exists in the United States around homosexuality ... youth tend to hold back their feelings, don't disclose, live in denial or shame," Robbins said.

Every year The Trevor Project honors one individual who publicly works to reject that stigma and helps in the group's overall goal: to promote the acceptance of gay and questioning youth in society. This year's honoree, actor Alan Cumming, has been "unapologetic, and true to himself," Robbins said.

"Anything that helps those people have a voice and have someone to talk to and have somewhere to turn is really important," Cumming said. "Suicide is in the top three causes of death for teens. That's a shocking statistic."

Read the rest of the CNN article here or visit The Trevor Project.

Smiling Through

Excerpt:

I know that everyone here knows that feeling when people say to you, “Hey, shape up! Stop thinking only about your troubles. What’s to be depressed about? Go swimming or play tennis and you’ll feel a lot better. Pull up your socks!” And how you, hearing this, would like nothing more than to remove one of those socks and choke them to death with it.

Such inane advice of the “socks up” variety, by the way, can only be excused by the fact that if you’ve never had it you can never begin to imagine the depth of the ailment’s black despair. Another tip: Do not ask the victim what he has “to be depressed about.” The malady doesn’t care if you’re broke and alone or successful and surrounded by a loving family. It does its democratic dirty work to your brain chemistry regardless of your “position.”

While not wishing to become the poster boy for depression, I still found the rewards undeniably pleasant, gratifying and touching.

As in: Dear Mr. Cavett, You don’t know it but you saved my dad’s/ wife’s/daughter’s life. Followed by various forms of, My dad’s seeing that Dick Cavett could have it made him feel he wasn’t a freak, and he finally went for treatment. We are so grateful.

Apparently one thing I said on “Larry King” back then hit home hard. It was that when you’re downed by this affliction, if there were a curative magic wand on the table eight feet away, it would be too much trouble to go over and pick it up.

There’s also the conviction that it may have worked for others but it wouldn’t work for you. Your brain is busted and nothing’s going to help.

Read the rest of this funny and touching personal testimony here.