"In addition to friendship, attitude is one of the few things in life where we have a true choice. We cannot change what is fated to happen or the actions of events or other people.
What we can change is our reaction to such things with the attitude we adopt. In truth, our attitude can be more important than anything we do. It can make or break families, companies, and nations. It is more important than schooling, talent, looks, or wealth.
How we react is everything and our attitude is the choice we have; it is a choice we make every minute of every day. It is a state of mind that no one can take from us. If we are in control of our attitudes, we are in command of our lives. And that is the best way to live."
I would love to say that I wrote that, but I stole it from a blog who stole it from the company who makes his snow boarding equipment. Whatever. I'm quoting it to you now, because it is the essence of what gives our life any sort of meaning. I've struggled for a year now asking myself that very sort of question. Today is the anniversary of a suicide - a friend of mine who took her life and left us all behind with nothing but questions. I have lived a year longer than her and I'm never sure which of us made the right decision. There are days that I am so unhappy that I just don't want to draw another breath, so how can I blame her for choosing not to? And yet I still do. I'm still angry. But I am ultimately in control of my attitude.
So what does that leave me with? Some wisdom, perhaps. I get up and I live with depression, in a society that so often lacks compassion, and I love the people that I love regardless of their flaws and insensitivities, or maybe because of them. I can choose to be wounded by my day or to feel blessed by the gift of it. I can weep with the overwhelming pain of it all or I can move through it. Every single day I make choices. And they are mine to make.
I miss Dianne. I miss the father that I never got to know. I miss the woman I would be if all these and a hundred other tragedies hadn't happened. I wish I had done things differently - for a minute or two - and then I try to absorb the fact that things happen to us regardless, that one can't prepare for a tsunami or a foreclosure or cancer. That these too are the stuff of which our lives are made. I must define my life on my own terms and not be a victim of the things I can not control. I must choose.
All in all, I am very blessed. I've a roof over my head, a job, enough to eat. I've a family that means the world to me and a cat who woke me with a wet nose kiss this morning. And even though the sun isn't shining, I know it will shine again. Attitude is everything. Today I will be happy...
