Fear

If there is one thing that motivates me lately, this is it. I am afraid. It's right at the edge of my mind these days, like a nagging little itch that I can't scratch. I'm not always giving it my attention - sometimes I go all day without consciously acknowledging that it's even there - but push comes to shove this is what is turning my gears. I'm afraid.

Now I suppose what makes this attack of monumental cowardice interesting is that the current reason for all this distress is something incredibly positive in my life. I don't have cancer (I think,) I'm not facing unemployment or homelessness or armed terrorist thugs. No one is going to shoot at me, or take away my loved ones or my stuff. Of all that, I am reasonably sure. The devil in the dark, for me, is actually going to prolong my life, improve my health and make me more socially comfortable. However, it is incredibly scary because it challenges my comfort zones and my very identity. For the first time in my life, I am successfully losing weight and this diet is working so well that I can almost imagine myself achieving the lifelong goal of not being "the fat chick."

However, "the fat chick" is who I am. It's almost inconceivable to me that I could be anything else. SOOO, if that isn't who I am - who will I be? This is a freak out of biblical proportions. Especially when I don't have an answer. Most people really don't understand the nature of this anxiety. They are all so happy for me. Or amazed that I am actually doing this. Or envious (which weirds me out, too - my fat friends are uncomfortable with my weight loss.) I am merely afraid. Afraid that I don't know the person in the mirror. Unsure where her boundaries are (being overweight puts lots of boundaries up for you...) Right now it's all I can do to take one day at a time and eat in this new and curiously simple way. Right now it's actually difficult to give up my comfortable baggy clothes because they don't fit. Right now somebody lavishing praise upon me for being less of me can bring me to tears. It's not rational. Fear rarely is.

I'll let you know when I feel like I'm through it. Right now I'm still afraid.

Let's Go To The Movies II

So last time I took you to the movies, it was all about how mental illness is portrayed in popular media, which is usually inaccurately at best. BUT it seems that there is more to this whole movie watching thing than I realized. In fact, watching a carefully selected DVD can be therapeutic.

"Cinema therapy is the process of using movies made for the big screen or television for therapeutic purposes," says Gary Solomon, PhD, MPH, MSW, and author of The Motion Picture Prescription and Reel Therapy. "It can have a positive effect on most people except those suffering from psychotic disorders," says Solomon, and can offer " an opportunity to do interventional work by yourself." The idea is to choose movies with themes that mirror your current problem or situation and then look for the therapeutic context.

Interesting, but I would think that this brings us back to the question of the accuracy of the portrayal of the mental illness. To that end, there's Roland Atkinson, a Professor of Psychiatry at the Oregon Health & Science University in Portland and self confessed film nut, who offers detailed reviews on 555 films with mental health, psychiatric or substance abuse themes on his website Psychflix.com. Dr. Roland gives every movie two scores - one for overall dramatic effect and one for psychiatric accuracy of the condition portrayed. Okay, I might argue with some of his tastes, but it is fascinating to hear his viewpoint on accuracy.

So here's the picks of the post:

Fight Club - Personality disorder (?) and obsession are the themes here, with some insomnia, and neurosis thrown in for luck. I adore both Brad Pitt and Ed Norton and this film is so bizarre and so nakedly male oriented that I found it nothing but amusing. I'm not at all sure that there is anything therapeutic in this film, or even remotely believable, but I was still very amused. Not for the faint of heart (or stomach.)

Girl, Interrupted - This is probably more about adolescent angst than real mental illness, although the film is based on the authors 18 month stint in an institution, and the patients there range from believable to not. Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie are the main attractions and I fail to see any talent in Winona (think she peaked in Beetlejuice,) so I didn't love it.

Michael Clayton - One of the better depictions of Bipolar Disorder that I have ever seen, and one heck of an entertaining film. Tom Wilkinson plays a brilliant lawyer who, off his meds and clearly psychotic, tries to turn whistle blower and winds up murdered. George Clooney unravels the mystery.

And here's a shameless plug: Read my movie review blog here!