Seven Healthy Habits for Fighting

In his book I'm Right, You're Wrong, Now What? Xavier Amador wants to show people how not to argue. "There are situations that are inherently unresolvable," he acknowledges, "but how you don't resolve it is far more important than the fact that you didn't resolve it. The trick is not to avoid a fight, but to fight right." Amador's method shows people how to step aside in order to get what they need - while agreeing to disagree. When that happens, impasses can be broken. Here are some of the basics:

• Don't insist you're right - being adamant only makes the other person more stubborn.

• Don't engage in insults or name calling - it only makes the other person angrier and more rigid.

• Pick the right time - pay attention to whether you or the other person are too angry, defensive, stressed or tired to be receptive.

• Don't use absolutes - people become more rigid or defensive in the face of absolute claims such as "you always" or "you never."

• Don't throw in the kitchen sink - bringing up past conflicts or transgressions only makes another person angrier and more rigid and derails attention to the issue at hand.

• Listen without defending - let the other person feel that they are being heard or understood, which reduces defensiveness.

• Reflect back what you hear - one of the most effective ways to "lower the temperature" of an argument and open up the other person to your own point of view.