How much is enough?

Caregiver or enabler? That is the question. And we ask it over and over again. How much is enough? You know that this person that you love is sick, but... how do we live with the behavior? She sleeps all day and doesn't even bother to shower. He stays up all night pacing, or playing that video game and has just run up another grand on the credit card you didn't know he applied for. And that's the easy stuff. What about the screaming in the driveway at 2 in the morning or the threat to kill himself? Or kill you? Where do you draw the line with someone you love?

Dr. Peter H. Gott defines the two terms as follows:

Caregiver - takes care of another person in need.

Enabler - someone who excuses, denies and accepts someone else's inappropriate behavior. This attitude prevents the person from facing up to his or her problems, dealing with it, getting help and making appropriate lifestyle changes.

Mental illness is not an excuse for violence. A loved one with a mental illness does not mean we must accept a life of chaos. When dealing with someone who can, by the nature of their illness, be irrational, get help. Make a plan that includes other family members, mental health professionals and if necessary, public authorities. There are usually warning signs of impending crisis. Don’t face it alone.

Taking action to protect OURSELVES is absolutely necessary. Just as we don’t want mental illness to rob our loved one of his or her life, we also can’t let their illness threaten our lives and well being. If your health deteriorates due to stress, lack of sleep or simply living in a war zone; if you collapse, who's going to take care of anyone? The person that you love is not served by your sacrifice. It will only cause them more pain. So do the right thing. Be a caregiver and start with yourself.

See more strategies for caregivers here.