Musing on suicide as we say goodbye to David

On June 4th, we lost one of my favorite actors, David Carradine. I loved the old Kung Fu series and watched it in syndication for years... I still use the moniker "grasshopper" when explaining just about anything to anybody; it will probably always make me smile. I had a huge pre-adolescent crush on Caine, who was so unshakable and such a badass. I was delighted to see Carradine in the Tarantino Kill Bill flicks, back to work in something worthy of him and looking fabulous for his age. I was horrified to hear the news of his death, an apparent suicide.

Of course, now the word "apparent" is taking the forefront; Carradine was working on a film and in good spirits and it seems far more likely that his death was accidental. This brought me back to a recent conversation in our mental health support group - we often talk about suicidal feelings as many of us experience them and support group is for... support. Talking about difficult feelings in a safe place often diffuses them somewhat and it never hurts to know that you are hardly the only one who feels that ending the pain might just be a workable solution.

So anyway, part of this conversation revolved around how many suicides are indeed accidental... the result of simply not being too on top of just how many xanax you've actually taken and rinsing them down with wine instead of water. Let's face it, if you're in the pit of depression or, even worse, flying high on the wave of mania, you are not exactly thinking clearly. You are NOT rational, you are NOT in control, and you are probably NOT the person who should be dispensing your medication, or driving your car, or trying some new risky adventure. But you're probably still going to do those sorts of things and you might end up dead. Even if that really wasn't your intention.

This brings us to the question of having a safety plan. I nag about this constantly. You need to create a plan when you're good, when you're rational, and you need to know it by heart so that when you're not good and not rational, you will turn to it by rote, out of habit. That plan needs to include someone you trust that can look after you a bit, check up on you, say NO to you. That plan needs to include a place of safety and a thing that will take you from zero to survival. The thing can be a walk, a long bath, going to a movie, getting out with people - only you know what will turn you momentarily away from the abyss. Let me emphasize that this thing only has to take you from zero to survival - not to feeling well, or even feeling better. If you're still willing to breathe another breath, that's the ticket.

Maybe David didn't have a safety plan. And maybe it was all just a horrible accident. Either way he will be missed.

And so would you.