Blue Days

You can tell by the vast amount of posting I've done of late that I haven't been my usual verbose self. On the heels of the holidays, comes the natural let down - my business slows and with it I feel like I'm shrinking. Without a million gajillion things to be done, without a constant source of busywork... I slip into the blues. It doesn't happen overnight, (although sometimes it does,) and it isn't life threatening. I don't take to my bed (although sometimes I want to.) I go to work, I eat (usually too much or things guaranteed to make me feel bad about myself,) I sleep (sorta...)Everything gets... dim. Time seems to go really slowly, but the weeks can burn right by. I haven't any energy. I haven't any joy. I don't have much of anything... but a pulse and regular respiration, bills that need paying and pets that need feeding.

In the past, if this goes on long enough, or if I start feeling bad enough (where taking to my bed becomes more of a possibility) I will cave to the lure of a fix - and seek some medication. Never had too much trouble talking a doc into Prozac or Lexapro.... They love to write me a script. I know it will take the edge off of the darkness. I will feel ... better, but of course it comes with a price tag - weight gain or no interest in sex or something. And a real price tag, too, as I don't have insurance that will cover the prescription. Sometimes I just opt to wait it out or I find some project to throw my time at - volunteer work and the like - something to keep me out of my head and into exhaustion at the end of the day. And eventually business will pick up and I'll be back to working 50 hours a week at my unfulfilling, but ever so demanding job.

I'm currently still in the 'wait it out' mode of this vile cycle. I don't want medication. I'm trying the whole gamut of 'self care' that I religiously preach to my support group - get enough sleep, eat right, exercise - yadda, yadda, yadda. I've made an appointment with a new counselor - and I have mixed feelings about that. And I wonder if this is really all I can expect out of life - this eternal cycle of sort of okay, and then not okay. I really feel guilty even saying this as I know so many people who live with grave mental illness - so many brave souls who have demons that make my problems look like an ingrown toenail. I'm lucky in so many ways - I have a job, I make a living, my kids are grown and on their own, I'm relatively healthy. So is it wrong to think that I would sell my soul to wake up each morning with a smile on my face looking forward to my day? Cuz I would. I really would.