Auld Lang Syne (or days gone by...)

It's hard to believe that 2007 is coming to an end. As I look back at some of this blog, I realize what an incredible year that this has been for me. It's been a hard year, emotionally speaking, but one of many revelations and much growth. So many changes...

I think my son could say the same. He faces enormous challenges every day of his life just living. But I think he has more insight into his bipolar disorder than ever before. He lost a pretty good job this year. But he celebrated a year of marriage. He had a couple of pretty terrible patches. But he seems to be doing well on the medication changes that came from those breaks. He's found a support group. He's talking. One day at a time.

And me? I became an empty nester and have had the bittersweet experience of watching my daughter spread her wings. I opted to go out on my own again in my business - back to the labor of being self employed. I took my Family to Family training and taught my first class this fall - an amazing experience that was equally exhausting and rewarding. I keep plugging along with my support groups, keep plugging along at being married, keep plugging along at my unfulfilling work. Some days I feel that I have nothing left. Some days are good. Some days I need a Xanax to sleep.

This is life. My cup of kindness for those days gone by? I had all of my brood home for Christmas. We ate too much and watched silly movies and played games. It was a good day.

It is a good life.

Bah Humbug!

I don't know about you, but I loathe this time of year. Part of it is related to my job - my hours get brutal - and part of it is all the extra "work" that is expected of me, such as shopping, decorating, and wrapping presents. Don't even mention the office parties. Cuz even if I had the time, I wouldn't enjoy watching my coworkers get drunk. I know that this is supposed to be a happy time; I'm supposed to enjoy all of this. But although I love giving gifts to those I care about, I don't so much enjoy the rest of it. I find myself tired, cranky and down most of December. If this sounds like you - some strategies to avoid the worst of the December Dumps courtesy of Mark Sichel, LCSW:

1. Have an attitude of gratitude. Misery and gratitude cannot occupy the same space in our psychological house, and we have the power to choose between these emotional states.

2. One golden rule to getting along with family....be responsible for how you behave, You certainly have no control over how your relatives behave. The most important part of avoiding holiday stress with our families is for each of us to feel mastery over, & satisfaction with, our own behaviors, attitudes & feelings. If you know in your head and your heart that you've acted like the best parent, child, brother, sister, friend that you know how to be, you can walk away from any difficulty feeling good about yourself.

3. If you're feeling depressed and lonely, volunteer with any number of groups that help underprivileged or hospitalized children, the homeless, or the aged and disabled at the holidays. There are many, many opportunities for doing community service. No one can be depressed when they are doing community service.

4. Decide upon your priorities and stick to them. Organize your time. Be reasonable with your schedule. Do not overbook yourself into a state of exhaustion--this makes people cranky, irritable, and depressed.

5 Remember, no matter what your plans, the holidays do not automatically take away feelings of aloneness, sadness, frustration, anger, and fear.

6. Be careful about resentments related to holidays past. Declare an amnesty with whichever family member or friend you are feeling past resentments. Do not feel it is helpful or intimate to tell your relative every resentment on your long laundry list of grievances. Don't let your relative do that to you, either.

7. Don't expect the holidays to be just as they were when you were a child. They NEVER are. YOU are not the same as when you were a child, and no one else in the family is either. On the other hand, if your memories of childhood holidays are awful, be grateful that you now have the capacity and skills to make them wonderful for yourself and those you love.

8. Plan unstructured, low-cost fun holiday activities: window-shop and look at the Holiday decorations. Look at people's Christmas lighting on their homes, take a trip to the countryside, etc.--the opportunities are endless.

9. Do not let the holidays become a reason for over-indulging in food and drink and create unnecessary weight gain and hangovers for yourself. This will exacerbate your depression and anxiety. Contrary to popular opinion, alcohol is a depressant.

10. Give yourself a break; create time for yourself to do the things YOU love to do.

I'm going to try to remember this last one.

More On Vets

Call the national suicide hotline (1-800-784-2433) and the first question asked is "Are you a member of the armed forces?" Shocking? Hardly....

More here.

Veteran's Day

As Veteran's Day approaches I become pensive. I have friends who strive to take their husbands on mini vacations this weekend... anything to keep them away from home and all the patriotic crap on TV. For many men this is a hard day to look in the eye. Bad memories. Worse dreams. We may put this day aside to honor the dead, but it often only opens the wounds of the living.

Consider:

• Almost 1 in 3 veterans returning from Afghanistan and Iraq confront mental health problems.
• In 2006, the suicide rate in the Army reached its highest level in 26 years.
• Approximately 30% of veterans treated in the Veterans health system suffer from depressive symptoms, two to three times the rate of the general population.
• More Vietnam veterans have now died from suicide than were killed directly during the war in the 1960s and 70s.
• Approximately 40% of homeless veterans have mental illnesses. Approximately 57% of this group are African American or Hispanic veterans.

Perhaps along with honoring those slain in war, we should consider taking better care of those who survive it. If you know a veteran who is suffering, please visit the NAMI Veteran's Resource Center for up to date information, online discussion groups and links to agencies and organizations that can help. Or make a donation and add your vet's name to the NAMI Veteran's Tribute Honor Roll. It's time we supported our troops in a way that leads to healing and a return to a full and productive life.

chaos (again)

I can't believe that it's been nearly a month since I've posted, but on the other hand, time tends to morph interestingly when in the midst of chaos. As is incredibly par for the course of life with a bi-polar loved one - things took a turn last month. Here I am, teaching a Family to Family course for people in my very situation. Didn't expect to be Exhibit A in the course, but I suppose everything happens for a reason.

My son has gotten very, very good at hiding his disease. Sometimes I think he even fools himself. But with 20-20 hindsight, it all stands out in stark relief. In the back of my mind I think I knew that something was brewing... but I always hope that I'm just being overprotective or paranoid. To make a long story short - the stressful job that he had been doing so well at (!) took it's toll and he quit impulsively. Then - in a perfectly natural (if unfortunate) fit of terror, he lied to his wife about it and told her he was fired. When she found out she naturally booted him out (for lying) and he ended up on my couch.

The stresses of everyday living that even I take so for granted, are often far too much for someone with a mood disorder to deal with. He put on a brave, if utterly false, face - afraid to disappoint his beloved, wanting her to be proud of what he could do and letting himself wear thinner and thinner until he felt there would be nothing left if he stayed. Quitting was a maladjusted protection... giving him short term relief and causing long term consequences. Their finances are tentative and now he is unemployed and fragile. Had he come clean with the pain he was in earlier, maybe this could have been avoided. Now we all face damage control.

We all struggle to keep mental illness from being the center of our lives. Often it usurps center stage despite all our efforts. Recovery is a long and arduous road. I watch my son in his pain and I mourn again. I watch his love in hers. I watch them struggle to find answers, to find comfort. She found a blog of a married couple living with this honesty issue and read about their attempts to build a working relationship. They have a 48 hour 'safe zone' - if he comes clean to her after an initial reflexive lie within 48 hours she is only allowed to thank him for his courage. No repercussions. This is something to try.

The poet Roethke, who suffered from mental illness gives words to the concept of recovery in his poem Cuttings
"...one nub of growth
Nudges a sand-crumb loose,
Pokes through a musty sheath
Its pale tendrilous horn.
Cuttings (later)
This urge, wrestle, resurrection of dry sticks,
Cut stems struggling to put down feet,
What saint strained so much,
Rose on such lopped limbs to a new life?

What saint indeed.

A glimpse into a bipolar mind

Sometimes words fail me. Listen to someone who's there. Bipolar Awareness Day is Oct. 11th. Find out more about the facets of Bipolar illness here.

Mental Health Awareness Week

October 7-13, 2007 is national Mental Illness Awareness Week (MIAW). Sponsored by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), MIAW was established in 1990 by Congress in recognition of NAMI’s efforts to educate the public about mental illnesses, which occupy more hospital beds in the US than cancer and heart disease combined. Mental illnesses are medical conditions that disrupt a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others, and daily functioning. The good news about mental illness is that recovery is possible, if people have access to the treatment and services they need.

The fifth annual Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day is on Thursday, October 11, 2007. People diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which affects an estimated 10 million Americans, experience alternating episodes of mania (severe highs), depression (severe lows) and mixed states which contain elements of both. Unfortunately, seven out of ten people with bipolar disorder receive at least one misdiagnosis, and many wait years for an accurate diagnosis. It is estimated that 80 percent to 90 percent of people with bipolar disorder can be treated effectively with medication and psychotherapy.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness is the nation's largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to improving the lives of individuals and families affected by mental illness. NAMI has more than 1,100 affiliates in communities across the country who engage in advocacy, research, support and education. NAMI -Skagit joins other affiliates nationwide this week in raising awareness about mental illness.