Carrot, Egg or Coffee Bean?

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean , mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff ? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Editor's note: I'm up to my eyeballs in a new Family to Family class - 12 weeks of immersion. Bear with me and my tardy posting:)

Healthy Ideas to Manage Life's Pressures Part 3

Here is the final installment in our series on strategies to reduce the every day stress in our lives courtesy of Mental Health America. Living with mental illness is a stress in and of itself - with or without the moment to moment drama of modern life. The neurotransmitters adrenaline and epinephrine evolved to help us react quickly to an immediate threat - fight or flight - great idea if you need a speedy response to stumbling upon lions, or tigers or bears! However, we never did adapt to a steady stream of these useful chemicals - the so called 'stress response.' Long term, an overabundance of fight or flight chemicals is damaging to our health, resulting in heart disease and a host of pathological conditions. So, take a deep breath and try these ideas...

• Watch your negative self-talk. Try not to put yourself down. For example, if you don’t make it to the gym this week, don’t call yourself lazy. Instead think about the specific factor that may have kept you from going to the gym. “I wasn’t able to work out because I had to work late hours this week, but next week, I’ll make it a priority to go.” The problem is temporary and can be overcome.

• Get involved in spiritual activities. Studies have shown that religious involvement and spirituality are associated with better health outcomes, such as greater coping skills, less anxiety and a lower risk of depression. Spirituality may provide a sense of hope, meaning and purpose in life, a way to understand suffering and illness, and a connection with others. Religious and spiritual practices, such as prayer and meditation, can evoke positive emotions that can lead to better health.

• Write down three good things that happen to you each day for a week. Also write down why each good thing happened. Thinking about the good things in your life and expressing gratitude may actually help you feel happier.

And finally, deep breathing is a great way to de-stress. It actually changes your brain’s chemical balance to calm you down.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Lie down or sit on the floor or in a chair.
2. Rest your hands on your stomach.
3. Slowly count to four and inhale through your nose. Feel your stomach rise. Hold it for a second.
4. Slowly count to four while you exhale through your mouth. To control how fast you exhale, purse your lips like you’re going to whistle. Your stomach will slowly fall.
5. Do this a few times.

Check out Part 1 and Part 2 of this list for a refresher and start chillaxin!

View from her side...

You've often heard my side of the continuing saga of my son and his disease... I thought I would share a recent post from my daughter-in-law, another side of the story. And in case you're wondering, this is just one of the many reasons that I adore her and hold her in awe...

"I have shared before that my husband is sick. John has Bi Polar disorder, which makes our life together really challenging. Actually, challenging is an understatement. It is sometimes im-****ing-poss-i-ble to even look him in the eye when he is cycling, or off his meds, or one of the other frighteningly cliche things he does because his brain chemicals are out of whack and he cannot process information like I do. Simple things become herculean for him, things like remembering to turn his phone on, brush his teeth, put gas in the car, lock the dogs up before leaving for work, or, god forbid, the one one I fear the most... not taking his meds.

This last one, the big one, the deal breaker, is exactly what he was doing for about 3 months. John is so damn smart, and he's become a master at cloaking when he's off kilter, or when he's feeling really out of whack. I see signs, they are sometimes subtle and sometimes glaring, but when I am busy with school or preoccupied with my own woes, I fall prey to the safety I feel in believing him when he tells me he is fine, even when I know that he is not.

I don't want to type out the details and I'm sure you don't really want them. It is a messy messy story, and it is so full of pain and worry and heartbreak and anger that I can't really recount it all, anyway. The end result is that when the crash came, it was colossal. There were a series of small wrecks, like fender benders, that I thought we'd be able to patch up, but then came the train wreck. That was more like parking a car on the tracks. Everything derailed and it was bloody. John ended up in the hospital, completely blacked out about the incident, and I ended up putting my anger aside to seek him out in the ER while we waited for a social worker, all night. I gave him juice, I slept next to him on a hospital bed, I called his mom, our best friend and pseudo brother, signed forms, talked to his boss, got my own work covered, and did what needed doing. It was all auto pilot.

Eventually, he was home. I decided that the best thing I could do for him, and the best thing I could do to see if our marriage had a future after this episode, was to let him recover at home instead of shipping him off to his mom's in Anacortes like we have done after each episode he's had. She came here and stayed, helped look after him, helped by being there and watching over him.

It was touch and go. Even on the burnt pie day, I was still not feeling centered or balanced or like I knew him, really, at all. I kept plugging away, week after week, because if I really want to be married to this man I need to work hard at it, until I don't want to work at it anymore. I thought I'd reached that point, several times. I thought that maybe, this time, there would be no coming back from this, no point where trust could be established or I could feel anything but anger when I looked at him. No matter how many times I'd tell him this, though, he'd smile and hold my hand, touch my face, and tell me that I'm still here, and that means enough to him to keep hoping that we'll be able to get back there, that being able to hold my hand and touch my face mean that I'm still willing to try and that's more than he feels like deserves, so he's gonna keep doing his damndest.

Well, he really is doing his best. In fact, right now, today, this minute, John is trying harder and being more self reliant than I have EVER seen him in the 2 years (almost) we have been married and the 3 we've been together. He is getting regular counseling and really doing his homework outside of his sessions. He's telling me what he's working on and working towards, goals he and his counselor have set up together. He's taking responsibility for his medication, involving me only to reassure me that he's taking them, but the onus of ordering and dosing and remembering goes to him. I'm just the check and balance system. He is cleaning the house without being told, trying to learn to budget money (another one of his goals) and helping with the cooking and the planning of meals.

The last few days, I've noticed, all of the sudden, that he's making me laugh again, that I am looking forward to him getting off work and coming home at night, that I'm imagining where he is on his drive and what he's doing in the car (one of my favorite things to do when he lived in Anacortes and I knew he was on his way to visit me. I'd tingle with anticipation, bustling around my apartment, picking things up and putting them down, checking the clock every couple minutes to see how much longer until I'd hear his car in my driveway.) I held his hand in the car the other day. He played me "Calling You" by Blue October and instead of being irritated, I bawled. I set my alarm for earlier so I could wake up and snuggle him instead of getting right out of bed and into the shower. I don't have a problem telling him I'm proud of his progress and that he's doing so well, and telling him I appreciate his efforts instead of feeling entitled to a break from dealing with his disease.

Last night, he met me at Usice, our fave pub, for my Friday after work drink. He called me to tell me to have as many as I wanted, that he'd gladly drive me home and take me to work in the morning. He was attentive and kind, affectionate and sweet, and I almost fell off my barstool giving him silly kisses on his eyelids, cheeks, nose and forehead. He got up early and took me to work with no complaining, and made it back down for my lunch. He took me to brunch for my favorite food (crawfish and crab eggs benedict) and then put up with me indulging another craft outlet. (I'm learning to make soap!) He teased me about my crafting ADD and walked around the supply store with me, carrying items and finding essential oils for my endeavor. He held my hand in the sun, made me laugh outrageously, and all of the sudden I realized that he is my husband again. He is himself, he is loving and kind, and I am feeling like I'm seeing him again after a long absence.

I know that eventually this will cycle round again, and we may very well end up back at the hospital again at some point. I am taking hope and comfort in hearing him say things like "I never want to be unmedicated again, as long as I live" and "I love going to counseling" because they show me he is committed to making this change for himself in how he manages his disease and his life. I am hoping that the love we build and the hope we store and the coping strategies we learn while he is well will last us through the long cold spells when his illness takes over and my John just isn't there.

Today was just so good, so sweet and close and quiet. He let me knit while he looked around and cleaned the house. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he's getting some stuff done because his mom is coming tomorrow and he knows the house needs to be cleaned before she gets here. Holy shit, it's the first time I've heard something like that from him since, well... March or so? He told me not to worry about it, that I should just veg out and knit and relax, and that he'd take care of it. I didn't need to make him a list, remind him what needed doing, or chide him to finish a task. He brought me a ginger ale, cleaned the dog bowls, even dusted everything, all without word one from me.

We went out to say goodbye to Ryan's girlfriend, Nikki. I drove this time, he had himself a drink and then wanted Taco Bell. Even though we're trying not to eat fast food, I really didn't want to cook, so I caved. He was hilarious in the car, a riot at the house, and then sweetly sleeping on my leg while I finished the glove I was knitting. He's asleep in the other room, and I should be there, too, but I wasn't ready to let go of this day quite yet. I wanted to write about it, to remind myself later when things get dark that today at the end of summer I was full of hope again, and I told my husband that I love him and really meant it without anger or a "but" lingering at the back of my statement.

I turn 30 in 5 days. If this week continues like my last few days have been, it's going to be the best birthday ever."

To sleep, perchance to dream

Sleeping is one of those things reserved for other people... Lack of a healthy sleep pattern is one of the early warning signs of oncoming mania, or in my case, the precursor to exhausting depression. I came across this personal account in one of my favorite magazines, The Sun, which publishes original writing without the support of advertisers. Thought I'd share it with you.

"At the age of twenty-four, after my mood swings and irrational behaviors grew more frequent and I started to hear whispering, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Seven years later I have learned to live with this disease and have even formed a relationship with it. We meet after dark.

A manic episode can keep me up for days on end. My wild thoughts - which at the time seem rational - will not allow me to sleep. I might believe that the glow of a streetlight outside is an alien spacecraft, or that the shadows are wild animals out to attack me.

I must confess, I love the energy that an episode brings. I can write for hours on end. If I had the means and the knowhow, I could probably build a boat! I have fallen in love with the night, because then there is no doctor to advise me, no family to interrupt; no time to think about the consequences, no time for regrets.

I take my medication because I don't want to be a burden on my loved ones. But if it were up to me, I would forget all about medication and let the night swallow me whole."
Name withheld

Martin Seligman on Positive Psychology

Another Day in the Dark

The sun is shining. Just not in here.


"Stand Still, Look Pretty" by the Wreckers

I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

[Chorus]
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Depression just hurts. Check out this interesting site for young people: To Write Love on her Arms.

Seven Healthy Habits for Fighting

In his book I'm Right, You're Wrong, Now What? Xavier Amador wants to show people how not to argue. "There are situations that are inherently unresolvable," he acknowledges, "but how you don't resolve it is far more important than the fact that you didn't resolve it. The trick is not to avoid a fight, but to fight right." Amador's method shows people how to step aside in order to get what they need - while agreeing to disagree. When that happens, impasses can be broken. Here are some of the basics:

• Don't insist you're right - being adamant only makes the other person more stubborn.

• Don't engage in insults or name calling - it only makes the other person angrier and more rigid.

• Pick the right time - pay attention to whether you or the other person are too angry, defensive, stressed or tired to be receptive.

• Don't use absolutes - people become more rigid or defensive in the face of absolute claims such as "you always" or "you never."

• Don't throw in the kitchen sink - bringing up past conflicts or transgressions only makes another person angrier and more rigid and derails attention to the issue at hand.

• Listen without defending - let the other person feel that they are being heard or understood, which reduces defensiveness.

• Reflect back what you hear - one of the most effective ways to "lower the temperature" of an argument and open up the other person to your own point of view.