Smiling Through

Excerpt:

I know that everyone here knows that feeling when people say to you, “Hey, shape up! Stop thinking only about your troubles. What’s to be depressed about? Go swimming or play tennis and you’ll feel a lot better. Pull up your socks!” And how you, hearing this, would like nothing more than to remove one of those socks and choke them to death with it.

Such inane advice of the “socks up” variety, by the way, can only be excused by the fact that if you’ve never had it you can never begin to imagine the depth of the ailment’s black despair. Another tip: Do not ask the victim what he has “to be depressed about.” The malady doesn’t care if you’re broke and alone or successful and surrounded by a loving family. It does its democratic dirty work to your brain chemistry regardless of your “position.”

While not wishing to become the poster boy for depression, I still found the rewards undeniably pleasant, gratifying and touching.

As in: Dear Mr. Cavett, You don’t know it but you saved my dad’s/ wife’s/daughter’s life. Followed by various forms of, My dad’s seeing that Dick Cavett could have it made him feel he wasn’t a freak, and he finally went for treatment. We are so grateful.

Apparently one thing I said on “Larry King” back then hit home hard. It was that when you’re downed by this affliction, if there were a curative magic wand on the table eight feet away, it would be too much trouble to go over and pick it up.

There’s also the conviction that it may have worked for others but it wouldn’t work for you. Your brain is busted and nothing’s going to help.

Read the rest of this funny and touching personal testimony here.

Fear

If there is one thing that motivates me lately, this is it. I am afraid. It's right at the edge of my mind these days, like a nagging little itch that I can't scratch. I'm not always giving it my attention - sometimes I go all day without consciously acknowledging that it's even there - but push comes to shove this is what is turning my gears. I'm afraid.

Now I suppose what makes this attack of monumental cowardice interesting is that the current reason for all this distress is something incredibly positive in my life. I don't have cancer (I think,) I'm not facing unemployment or homelessness or armed terrorist thugs. No one is going to shoot at me, or take away my loved ones or my stuff. Of all that, I am reasonably sure. The devil in the dark, for me, is actually going to prolong my life, improve my health and make me more socially comfortable. However, it is incredibly scary because it challenges my comfort zones and my very identity. For the first time in my life, I am successfully losing weight and this diet is working so well that I can almost imagine myself achieving the lifelong goal of not being "the fat chick."

However, "the fat chick" is who I am. It's almost inconceivable to me that I could be anything else. SOOO, if that isn't who I am - who will I be? This is a freak out of biblical proportions. Especially when I don't have an answer. Most people really don't understand the nature of this anxiety. They are all so happy for me. Or amazed that I am actually doing this. Or envious (which weirds me out, too - my fat friends are uncomfortable with my weight loss.) I am merely afraid. Afraid that I don't know the person in the mirror. Unsure where her boundaries are (being overweight puts lots of boundaries up for you...) Right now it's all I can do to take one day at a time and eat in this new and curiously simple way. Right now it's actually difficult to give up my comfortable baggy clothes because they don't fit. Right now somebody lavishing praise upon me for being less of me can bring me to tears. It's not rational. Fear rarely is.

I'll let you know when I feel like I'm through it. Right now I'm still afraid.

Let's Go To The Movies II

So last time I took you to the movies, it was all about how mental illness is portrayed in popular media, which is usually inaccurately at best. BUT it seems that there is more to this whole movie watching thing than I realized. In fact, watching a carefully selected DVD can be therapeutic.

"Cinema therapy is the process of using movies made for the big screen or television for therapeutic purposes," says Gary Solomon, PhD, MPH, MSW, and author of The Motion Picture Prescription and Reel Therapy. "It can have a positive effect on most people except those suffering from psychotic disorders," says Solomon, and can offer " an opportunity to do interventional work by yourself." The idea is to choose movies with themes that mirror your current problem or situation and then look for the therapeutic context.

Interesting, but I would think that this brings us back to the question of the accuracy of the portrayal of the mental illness. To that end, there's Roland Atkinson, a Professor of Psychiatry at the Oregon Health & Science University in Portland and self confessed film nut, who offers detailed reviews on 555 films with mental health, psychiatric or substance abuse themes on his website Psychflix.com. Dr. Roland gives every movie two scores - one for overall dramatic effect and one for psychiatric accuracy of the condition portrayed. Okay, I might argue with some of his tastes, but it is fascinating to hear his viewpoint on accuracy.

So here's the picks of the post:

Fight Club - Personality disorder (?) and obsession are the themes here, with some insomnia, and neurosis thrown in for luck. I adore both Brad Pitt and Ed Norton and this film is so bizarre and so nakedly male oriented that I found it nothing but amusing. I'm not at all sure that there is anything therapeutic in this film, or even remotely believable, but I was still very amused. Not for the faint of heart (or stomach.)

Girl, Interrupted - This is probably more about adolescent angst than real mental illness, although the film is based on the authors 18 month stint in an institution, and the patients there range from believable to not. Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie are the main attractions and I fail to see any talent in Winona (think she peaked in Beetlejuice,) so I didn't love it.

Michael Clayton - One of the better depictions of Bipolar Disorder that I have ever seen, and one heck of an entertaining film. Tom Wilkinson plays a brilliant lawyer who, off his meds and clearly psychotic, tries to turn whistle blower and winds up murdered. George Clooney unravels the mystery.

And here's a shameless plug: Read my movie review blog here!

Bipolar Survey - Consumers and Caregivers

PatientView, an independent research-and-publishing organization, along with the World Federation of Mental Health (WFMH) and other European-based groups are conducting a survey to guide them in creating a global website for people living with bipolar depression. The survey can be taken online, and participants can remain anonymous if they choose. The survey closes June 30, 2008. The survey hopes to find out: 1. What people with Bipolar think are the most important types of healthcare information for them; 2. other key subjects of importance to people with Bipolar; and 3. What people with Bipolar think sets them apart from other people with a mental health condition.

(This takes a few minutes to fill out, but how often does anyone even ask what we think about the quality of information available to consumers and their loved ones, and the quality of the care we receive? Almost every question has a field where you can leave comments. Take the time to take this survey. Maybe someone is listening.)

Healthy Ideas to Manage Life's Pressures

So we know it's all not going to be a carousel ride, don't we? How we handle the ups and downs of day to day living can profoundly affect our mental and physical health. With a brain already chemically out of balance, any disruption can seem unbearable; even missing a meal or not getting enough sleep can spiral into something much worse. Let's think of some ways to take care of ourselves, shall we? (With a little help from Mental Health America...)

• Connect with others. You don't have to cope with stress or other issues on your own. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, support group or counselor can make you feel better. Spending time with positive, loving people that you care about and trust can ease stress and improve your mood. (duh. Going it alone sucks.)
  

• Relax your mind. Each person has his or her own ways to relax. You can relax by listening to soothing music, reading a book, or doing a quiet activity. Also think about deep breathing, yoga, meditation or massage therapy. (I'm all over that massage thing.)

• Exercise. Exercising relieves your tense muscles, improves your mood and sleep, and increases your energy and strength. In fact, researchers say that exercise eases symptoms of anxiety and depression. You may not even need to exercise intensely to get the benefits of activity. Try taking a brisk walk or use a stationary bike. See what it takes for you to feel better. (If you answered "not exercising" you are not trying.)

We'll continue this discussion later.... You can check out Mental Health America here.

Happy Mother's Day

Although this post might be better saved for Father's Day - I happen to be reading David Sheff's book Beautiful Boy - A Father's Journey through his Son's Addiction. Although I've been lucky and haven't had to deal with this issue as a parent (not drug abuse, but addiction,) I can't help but notice the parallels with dealing with a child with mental illness. Consider this paragraph in the introduction:

"Like many in my straits, I became addicted to my child's addiction. When it preoccupied me, even at the expense of my responsibilities to my wife and other children, I justified it. I thought, How can a parent not be consumed by his child's life-or-death struggle? But I learned that my preoccupation with Nic didn't help him and may have harmed him. Or maybe it was irrelevant to him. However, it surely harmed the rest of my family -- and me. Along with this, I learned another lesson, a soul-shaking one: our children live or die with or without us. No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die. It is a devastating realization, but also liberating. I finally chose life for myself. I chose the perilous but essential path that allows me to accept that Nic will decide for himself how -- and whether -- he will live his life."

As I continue to come to terms with my son and his illness, I have come face to face with this decision. I sometimes wonder if I have the courage to let go - or if I will keep trying to save him from himself indefinitely. I do this not only at the expense of my health and well being, but also at the expense of others that I love. Others who often deserve more of my attention, while I'm busy worrying about my boy. It's a posh kind of selfishness - this mother obsession. My son will be 24 this year; not only is he an adult in every socially recognized way, but he is a married adult. He will most likely continue to make decisions that I think are irrational - he will continue to lie reflexively (a maladjusted protective strategy that works too well to be abandoned,) he will continue to fly by the seat of his pants, forget his medication and fight with his spouse. The question is: Will I continue to live on the edge of the precipice fearfully awaiting the next hysterical phone call? Or will I choose to lead my own life? Can I let go and simply let him live his?

Happy Mother's Day.

Hiatus due to insanity....

Typical exchange: A - "How've you been?"
B - "uhhh, well you know."
A - "That good, huh?"
B - "Life with mental illness."

I feel like I'm eternally on the edge of the abyss. The stupid worst of it is that the better things seem to be, the closer I feel to falling off. I've learned that this is often truly the case, and so I now suffer from a sort of constant negative paranoia. When I don't hear often from my son, no news is definitely not good news; it's just the quiet before the hysterical phone call from his wife. It's not a question of IF something bad will happen. It's a question of WHEN. I'd say conventional wisdom will give that quiet period an average lifespan of six months. Tops.

It doesn't matter that I've worked hard to educate myself about the nature of his disease (and probably hers as well,) and for that matter, my own. When the doodoo hits the fan, I'm back to square one. Back to being pissed off. Back to wondering if I'll ever have a life of my own, free of the day to day drama of theirs. Back to a grief so deep I think I'll never stop crying - that I am the cause of his suffering, the carrier of mental illness, that I passed this on to him and probably made it worse by every parental failure. Back to the futile sense of responsibility and the desire to fix it, somehow, someway. This usually pulls me full circle back to pissed off - that someone who is chronologically an adult can do such bonehead things, make such awe inspiring errors in judgment and then put the cherry on top by lying about it.

I'm being selfish here. I'm struggling with my own depression, the beginning of summer when my husband is away for the better part of four months, living alone for essentially the first time of my life, weight and health issues and trying to redefine myself with an empty nest. I was pretty wrapped up in all of that and having a nifty little pity party when the phone call came. Now I'm in the limbo of waiting to see what they will decide to do with the newest crisis. My self assigned role as their main support means I must remain rational, reasonable and available. I try.

But although I never miss the onset of crisis, I'm rarely in on the work of it. I hope that they are talking, that the rush of discovery and accusations has been replaced with the labor of staying committed to one another despite the obstacles. Marriage is damn hard work. Marriage with mental illness in the mix? I believe that they love each other, despite his knee jerk habit of lying to her and despite her knee jerk habit of saying it's over. They've been through a lot and still come out together. I believe they can handle this. I hope they can. And I'll do my best to handle whatever comes out of this. Life with mental illness.