Hiatus due to insanity....

Typical exchange: A - "How've you been?"
B - "uhhh, well you know."
A - "That good, huh?"
B - "Life with mental illness."

I feel like I'm eternally on the edge of the abyss. The stupid worst of it is that the better things seem to be, the closer I feel to falling off. I've learned that this is often truly the case, and so I now suffer from a sort of constant negative paranoia. When I don't hear often from my son, no news is definitely not good news; it's just the quiet before the hysterical phone call from his wife. It's not a question of IF something bad will happen. It's a question of WHEN. I'd say conventional wisdom will give that quiet period an average lifespan of six months. Tops.

It doesn't matter that I've worked hard to educate myself about the nature of his disease (and probably hers as well,) and for that matter, my own. When the doodoo hits the fan, I'm back to square one. Back to being pissed off. Back to wondering if I'll ever have a life of my own, free of the day to day drama of theirs. Back to a grief so deep I think I'll never stop crying - that I am the cause of his suffering, the carrier of mental illness, that I passed this on to him and probably made it worse by every parental failure. Back to the futile sense of responsibility and the desire to fix it, somehow, someway. This usually pulls me full circle back to pissed off - that someone who is chronologically an adult can do such bonehead things, make such awe inspiring errors in judgment and then put the cherry on top by lying about it.

I'm being selfish here. I'm struggling with my own depression, the beginning of summer when my husband is away for the better part of four months, living alone for essentially the first time of my life, weight and health issues and trying to redefine myself with an empty nest. I was pretty wrapped up in all of that and having a nifty little pity party when the phone call came. Now I'm in the limbo of waiting to see what they will decide to do with the newest crisis. My self assigned role as their main support means I must remain rational, reasonable and available. I try.

But although I never miss the onset of crisis, I'm rarely in on the work of it. I hope that they are talking, that the rush of discovery and accusations has been replaced with the labor of staying committed to one another despite the obstacles. Marriage is damn hard work. Marriage with mental illness in the mix? I believe that they love each other, despite his knee jerk habit of lying to her and despite her knee jerk habit of saying it's over. They've been through a lot and still come out together. I believe they can handle this. I hope they can. And I'll do my best to handle whatever comes out of this. Life with mental illness.

Check it out

What little most of us know about mental illness, we probably picked up from watching TV or from the movies. Unfortunately, these impressions are usually pretty ridiculous - the mentally ill are portrayed as dangerous killers or laughable buffoons. Let's face it, few people bone up on the subject until it intrudes into our lives; but intrude it does. Everyone knows someone with a brain disorder. The quiet coworker, the eccentric aunt, the lifelong friend who has suddenly changed in some subtle way - mental illness is a fact of modern life that is kept in the attic away from public discussion. This needs to change.

But where do you start to look for real information? Trust me that a Google search on "mental health" is going to leave anyone pretty overwhelmed. Bipolar? Depression? Anxiety? We who live with brain disorder know that a diagnosis is not usually a simple thing. You may know that something is wrong, but what specifically? Look at NIMH? or NAMI? Heavens, there are a lot of initials and most of it looks pretty technical and confusing and you have to know what you're looking for.

Here is a site for that first search. Refreshingly simple and in human language, not medical-ise, it's aimed at folks 18-25 (most common age of onset) and includes a state by state search engine for mental health services, an overview of common disorders and real life testimonials of people living with these problems. "What a difference a friend makes?" You bet. Check it out...

Away from the Sun

The dark times come and the dark times go. I try to stay upbeat. But you know there's not much looking good out there - and sometimes it's so dark inside, I don't know if I can keep breathing. So I'm on the treadmill (physical activity is supposed to help. Right.) And this song comes on the old ipod, and I realize I'm not the only one who feels alone in the dark... Away from the Sun by 3 Doors Down.

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no...
Yeah...
I'm gone

So a song connects me back to the world. For now. How about you?

Misreading of Faces May be Risk Marker

"Youngsters with pediatric bipolar disorder and healthy peers who have first-degree relatives with bipolar disorder share the same difficulty labeling facial emotions, NIMH researchers have discovered. Reporting in the February 2008 online edition of the American Journal of Psychiatry, the scientists suggest that the facial emotion recognition impairment might be part of an inherited predisposition to the illness.

Two related imaging studies traced face emotion labeling deficits in youngsters with pediatric bipolar disorder to weak connections and differences in activity of a brain circuit responsible for interpreting the meaning of social and emotional stimuli. Evidence suggested that the differences were stable traits, unrelated to effects of medications or mood states.

“Since we know more about the circuitry of basic processes like facial emotion processing than we do about the circuitry of complex psychiatric symptoms like mania and depression, it serves as a kind of Rosetta Stone for unearthing new clues,” explained Ellen Leibenluft, M.D., chief of the intramural NIMH Section on Bipolar Spectrum Disorders, Mood and Anxiety Disorders Program, which is conducting the studies.

Understanding such specific vulnerabilities in emotional processing may someday lead to improved treatment, diagnosis, and ultimately prevention of bipolar disorder in children, say the researchers."

Read the rest of the article here.

Let's Go To The Movies

I have given some thought to how the mentally ill are portrayed in films. Mostly it's awful - another way in which our National Stigma Institute continues to pump out vitriol to support discrimination against a biological disease. "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" comes immediately to mind. Or "Psycho."

But a few films stand out in my mind as sympathetic. A few actually manage to shed a little light into the corners - educating as well as entertaining. So I thought I'd like to share some of my favorites:

A Beautiful Mind - Probably the most powerful look at the functioning life of a paranoid schizophrenic that you'll find. Furthermore it addresses the issues of what constitutes recovery. Russell Crowe was brilliant...

Reign Over Me - This look at Post Traumatic Stress is genuine and sympathetic and Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle are wonderful.

Mr. Jones - Richard Gere stars in a very real portrayal of Bipolar Disorder. Points off for romantic involvement with his doctor, but still really good.

As Good As It Gets - Jack Nicholson (who usually just plays himself) portrays a rather crusty case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder in this delightful film. It's all about acceptance, folks.

Off the Map - This one is a little out there, but it shows an intimate portrait of clinical depression even if the characters are... shall we say... different. Starring Sam Elliot and Joan Allen as a couple living a minimalist lifestyle with a precocious daughter and a confused IRS agent in the mix. I found this film realistic in it's interpretation of depression and its impact both on the sufferer and those around him. It's a little bit of a fairy tale, but I enjoyed it.

I'll try to think of more.

Famous Faces of Mental Illness

"For many years, Margaret Trudeau thought her up and down moods were just part of her life. After all, her story resembled a movie script. She won the heart of Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau while vacationing as a teenager with her family in Tahiti, and at the age of 22, became the youngest First Lady in Canadian history.

She was one of the world's most glamorous and scrutinized women in the '70s, an A List celebrity as capable of attracting headlines as Princess Diana.

"I thought my life was just taking me high and low," she says. "I had been given so many rich opportunities in my life."

In 2001, Trudeau ended years of denial and checked herself into an Ottawa hospital where she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Five years later, when she felt her recovery was as complete as it needed to be, Trudeau announced at a hospital fund-raiser she had been struggling with bipolar for years, and had been misdiagnosed for decades.

Consider this the latest chapter of Trudeau's remarkable life: She's an eloquent and compelling advocate for people with a mental illness, in particular those living with bipolar. Instead of running from reality, she flies across North America to discuss that reality with eager audiences. Now she uses her celebrity (celebrity she says once used to be "infamy") to bring attention to world-wide causes.

"Bipolar is an exaggeration of your emotions, so when you do get knocked down by life -- which you will because everyone will be knocked down at some point -- it's very hard to bounce back. Some people can live with sorrow for awhile and get on with their lives. I didn't have that ability. I got very knocked down and it was very hard for me. What learned is that it's awfully hard to do it on your own.

"And that's my message: to reach out and get help."

Read the entire article by Charles Anzalone here.

Blood Tests for Brain Disorders?

According to an article for MSNBC by Steve Mitchell, we could be on the brink of genetic blood testing for mental illness.

"A blood test could be used to diagnose and assess the severity of certain mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder, according to a new study. But some experts think this raises ethical concerns about prying into a person's mental status.

Lab tests that can accurately detect mental illnesses have long been considered the “Holy Grail” of psychiatry. Currently, bipolar disorder and other conditions such as depression are diagnosed based on the patient's description of their symptoms and the physician's judgment, sometimes making it difficult to get an accurate diagnosis or determine the severity of a patient's condition. But now researchers have shown that 10 genes that can be detected in the blood could provide a better way to assess a patient.

“Patients aren’t sure how ill they really are, and neither is the clinician — sometimes dismissing their symptoms, sometimes overestimating them,” said Dr. Alexander Niculescu, III, a psychiatrist at the Indiana University School of Medicine in Indianapolis, who led the research published Tuesday by the journal Molecular Psychiatry. “Having an objective test for disease state, disease severity, and especially to measure response to treatment, would be a big step forward.”

Read the rest of the article here.